As I am an avid and extremely critical Lynx user, I am told this frequently.
READERS: IF YOU LOOK AT TOO MANY INTERNET PICTURES YOU WILL SLEEP A STARVATION VICTIM'S SLEEP, YOUR PIXEL-ADDLED HYPOTHALAMUS UNABLE TO FIRE PROPER REM CYCLE PATTERNS.
Understand, dearest friends, I do this not out of anger, out of 1) concern, 2) benevolence, and 3) impotent rage made potent via WWWLog. After I conduct the necessary sleep research, I may deign to include digital images, for to not do so would demonstrate a lack of capability.
I HAVE THE DEEPEST CONCERN FOR YOUR IDIOCY.
SIGNED.
--Dr. Magnalobes
Friday, February 5, 2010
THE INTERNET: 2010-??????
Yes. Oh yes. It is time to begin this.
Hello. I am a white internet man* and I have very strong opinions. I do not prevaricate upon my morals nor the thought that informs them; the maxim I wield, "EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE". It is a rite of passage and honor that I leave internet forums behind and move forward to the future of the internet, the world wide web log.
I came to this conclusion after masturbating in the bathroom to the Lane Bryant catalogue this morning. I emerged from the sanitary cavern, devoid of issue, the reek of manifold glands exiduously flowing 'round me. I slogged into the kitchen for nourishment. My attempt to obtain a peanut butter eating spoon was thwarted by my own natural physiology. Weakened by my three hour bout of furious calisthenics, my knees buckled, slamming my dual scapulae into a protuberous drawer pull. To the floor I crumpled.
"Ohh shiiiit," I wailed to my erstwhile cat, "owwww, fuck; shiiiiit!"
The cat responded by licking his pubic hair. It was then I realized, supine, helpless, and nearly blind with searing pain, that I didn't matter. A life spent lurking Usenet** and playing nethack*** may be sweet indeed. But if I am to sustain myself without human contact, I cannot inflict my opinions on others****. Ergo, I did not matter. This realization brought me to a low, but saved me from my usual harm-induced blackout. Unable to draw myself erect, I sobbed uncontrollably, soon retting my hair in an admixture of floor grime, painsweat, and tears.
Save your pathos, O reader! For lo, Athena's focus was upon my kitchen floor. STATEMENT: IF SPEECH(CANNOT_SHARE) THEN FIND.SHARING.METHOD(); And so, minutes ago, I wardialed my friend J__ to share his Internet WWWLog Space. I am loathe to willingly surrender my personal dossier to the likes of Apple and Google and Twittle; J__ is acting as a trusted intermediary.
Here you will find the results of almost thirty years of IMMENSE PERSONAL KNOWLEDGE that I have acquired while the rest of you were fucking around.
So lo, I inaugurate and dub thee THE INTERNET!*****
SIGNED.
--Dr. Magnalobes
*(not the effeminate male but man)
**(terrible)
***(a pig's unworthiest shit)
****(EMPHASIS MINE)
*****(here I am talking to the WWWLog, and not to you (the reader))
Hello. I am a white internet man* and I have very strong opinions. I do not prevaricate upon my morals nor the thought that informs them; the maxim I wield, "EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE". It is a rite of passage and honor that I leave internet forums behind and move forward to the future of the internet, the world wide web log.
I came to this conclusion after masturbating in the bathroom to the Lane Bryant catalogue this morning. I emerged from the sanitary cavern, devoid of issue, the reek of manifold glands exiduously flowing 'round me. I slogged into the kitchen for nourishment. My attempt to obtain a peanut butter eating spoon was thwarted by my own natural physiology. Weakened by my three hour bout of furious calisthenics, my knees buckled, slamming my dual scapulae into a protuberous drawer pull. To the floor I crumpled.
"Ohh shiiiit," I wailed to my erstwhile cat, "owwww, fuck; shiiiiit!"
The cat responded by licking his pubic hair. It was then I realized, supine, helpless, and nearly blind with searing pain, that I didn't matter. A life spent lurking Usenet** and playing nethack*** may be sweet indeed. But if I am to sustain myself without human contact, I cannot inflict my opinions on others****. Ergo, I did not matter. This realization brought me to a low, but saved me from my usual harm-induced blackout. Unable to draw myself erect, I sobbed uncontrollably, soon retting my hair in an admixture of floor grime, painsweat, and tears.
Save your pathos, O reader! For lo, Athena's focus was upon my kitchen floor. STATEMENT: IF SPEECH(CANNOT_SHARE) THEN FIND.SHARING.METHOD(); And so, minutes ago, I wardialed my friend J__ to share his Internet WWWLog Space. I am loathe to willingly surrender my personal dossier to the likes of Apple and Google and Twittle; J__ is acting as a trusted intermediary.
Here you will find the results of almost thirty years of IMMENSE PERSONAL KNOWLEDGE that I have acquired while the rest of you were fucking around.
So lo, I inaugurate and dub thee THE INTERNET!*****
SIGNED.
--Dr. Magnalobes
*(not the effeminate male but man)
**(terrible)
***(a pig's unworthiest shit)
****(EMPHASIS MINE)
*****(here I am talking to the WWWLog, and not to you (the reader))
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